Good morning friends! This morning when I came downstairs to make my coffee, I was greeted by the warm glow of our daughter's (Devorah) Yahrzeit candle. It is Jewish custom to light a candle on the evening before the anniversary of the passing of a beloved family member. Twenty-one years ago we lost our precious Devorah. The candle burns for 24 hours and is a loving reminder to us of our very special little daughter.
With the gift of time and a lot of work, I am able to have happiness in my heart. Ironically, it is with the feelings of deep sorrow and grief that we are able to make huge leaps of growth, to find limitless happiness, appreciate what we have, and learn to cherish the little, mundane moments that make up the majority of our days.
And now I'd like to share with you the story of our youngest son Theodore, Teddy as we lovingly call him. You can imagine, I'm sure, the emptiness that I felt after losing my daughter to cancer. My days for two solid years were devoted to caring 24/7 for her. Devorah's needs were intense, serious, and downright lots of work -- feeding tubes, transfusions, sleepless nights, living in a hospital, dealing with multiple brain bleeds, keeping a watchful eye on the shunt that relieved the pressure buildup within her brain, coping with the ugly side-effects of daily radiation and chemo. You get the picture. Watching your daughter die is gut-wrenching, hard work. But you do it.
Moving forward, I found that with her death I no longer had my previous, God-imposed purpose in life -- caring for my dying daughter. There are no words to describe that feeling -- complete and utter emptiness.
Enter Teddy!
At first, my husband and I tried to conceive another child. As my family always fondly, jokingly would say, my biological clock just kept on ticking. I couldn't help it -- I love children! Mind you, I was 45 at the time and my husband was almost 50. We gave it our best shot, but it wasn't meant to be. My husband, Barry, suggested we adopt a child. He himself was adopted as an infant by a loving family. So, we sought out adoption agencies, only to be told we were too old, had already been blessed with birth children, and to top that off that we didn't qualify because we were a mixed marriage of two different religions. Who would have thought that any of these would be determining factors for the "right" to adopt a child? But they were.
I remember that in filling out the huge amount of paperwork required to even apply to these agencies, I would put down that I felt we were best suited for a child who was "emotionally needy", since we had endured so much emotionally with our daughter. I'm always looking for direction in my life based on my God-given experiences.
God gives us what we ask for. I have a smile on my face now, because I had no idea what the impact would be on our family's life if my wish was granted! Out of the blue, one day we received a phone call from the social worker of the adoption agency that we were working with at that time in the metro-Detroit area. Are you ready for this? Her name was Angel! Angel told us that she believed she had found the perfect match for us -- a little three-year-old boy named Theodore. She set up a visitation meeting for us at a local McDonald's Play Station. One look at him and I knew he was meant for us. He had Devorah's big brown, angelic eyes. He "fit" our family!
Next came the required home study, foster parent trainings, and also the intensely emotional waiting to see if we would "win" the honor of having him join our family. You see, there were multiple families working with the other adoption agency social workers that were praying to have Teddy join their families as well.
We were told that Teddy was globally developmentally delayed, as well as had been neglected and abused. We had no idea of what globally developmentally delayed meant, and were clueless to the magnitude that all of these diagnoses would have on his and our lives. In fact, at the time I remember thinking that all of this could be "fixed." I had the mindset that love was all that was necessary to be successful. Boy, was I naïve! I had a lot to learn (and I haven't stopped learning to this day)!
After a few emotional months of waiting and longing for Teddy, our wish came true. Teddy was placed in our home for a "testing period" as a foster child, and shortly after we were able to officially adopt him. Did I mention that he came to us with only a grocery bag of a few clothes, no toys, and a ragged keepsake pillow case?
I realize I haven't really mentioned our other children up to now. Our oldest daughter, Andrea, was away at college. Veronica was in high school. Johnathan was about six at this time. Johnathan is pictured above with his new little brother, Teddy. Their lives had been turned upside down by the illness and eventual death of their little sister. And now mom was bringing another child into their home! Each of our children reacted differently to the idea -- but all were supportive in their unique, special ways. I've been truly blessed with loving children. Pictured below is our family picture on adoption day (minus me, the photographer). I love the ties that are blowing in the wind -- rather symbolic.
I have since learned what "globally developmentally delayed" means, as well as the baggage that comes with it and the other multiple diagnoses Ted had. It's not pretty. It involves things that you cannot imagine or even begin to understand. It involves behaviors that are shocking. But, it also provides for an opportunity to learn.
As a family, we have learned a lot -- mostly by trial and error. Lord knows, we have made mistakes. Often, you just put one foot in front of the other to get through the situation that you never imagined could exist. You just do it. You exhaust resources. You're constantly researching and seeking out help each time a new challenge plops in your lap.
Oh, did I mention the reactions you get from other people? Too many people think they are "experts" on raising children -- quick to criticize, when support is what is really needed. What a wakeup call these people would get if they had a child die, or if they took a leap of faith and adopted a special-needs child!
I believe in God. I believe God presents us daily with opportunities. I believe that our most challenging experiences actually offer us our biggest blessings. I believe!
With the coming of the brand-new year, I pray for myself and you, to have open hearts, open ears. I pray for us to take risks -- to allow ourselves to be vulnerable from time to time. It's through vulnerability, when we open ourselves up to possibilities, that we have an avenue to grow the most -- to better ourselves.
Live strong! Be happy! Take risks!
L'Chaim!
Sandy Freedman
Comments
Post a Comment